March 17, 2002~~11:55 a.m.
Trust issues...

Trust. I wish I didn't have such huge issues with it. Sure would make life easier. I'm not sure how it became such an absolute for me, but it did. It is. Absolute. And it sucks.

I am, basically, a pretty trusting person. You will have my complete faith in your honesty until you demonstrate to me that I was stupid to have given it to you. At that point, you are tainted. Tainted people never regain my trust in its entirety.

Unfortunately, years ago, my husband did not understand this. Thought he could keep something from me. Thought there wasn't any harm in a little secret. Equally unfortunately, my husband was not sneaky enough to cover his tracks very well. So much so that I wasn't looking to find anything, but was confronted by surprise by quite a slap in my trusting face.

So now, even though we have worked through all the crap that brought us to that point. Even though I am committed to the marriage. Even though I am with him because I love him and want to spend our lives growing old together. I do not trust him completely.

It's a sucky way to live and I generally keep my suspicions/paranoia to myself because I know that it tends to be largely unfounded and that confronting him at every turn would not be very good for us. But holding it inside is painful and torturous. Doubt is like acid burning at my soul.

It's a no-win situation. It hurts to keep it in and stands to be equally damaging to let it out. My solution is to suffer the me-pain rather than risk the us-pain. I think it's the right thing to do.

But that doesn't make it fun.

~Alice