July 23, 2007~~7:28 p.m.
To renew or not...

It's that time again... that shit-or-get-off-the-pot time of year when my diaryland gold membership comes up for renewal. I rarely write anymore, but at the same time, to just let it go when I've been at it (or at least sort of at it) for so long feels very uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm going to do.

What I'd really love is to get back in the habit of writing here... or elsewhere even, but I know myself well enough to know that just paying a bill won't make that happen.

Maybe I'll just let it expire and then redesign the space around not having my own images available... and then spend another year thinking, "I should write more..." That doesn't really solve the spirit of the problem. (Though it would put thirty dollars into my "money I would have spent on something else, but have redirected toward an iPhone" savings plan.

I don't know.

We read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows aloud over the weekend. I really wanted to finish it quickly before anyone could ruin it for us. I won't say anything about the book, but it was nice to have the family time together, especially since I am sure it will be the last book we ever read together out loud. The end of an era.

The husband and I are leaving a week from tomorrow for three nights on the coast in Carmel. It will be good for us; things have been less-than-perfect lately. There isn't anything really wrong or different, we're just a bit stale and it will be good to have some time just for us and away from the daily responsibilities of home.

I think it must suck to be married to me. I seem incapable of sustained happiness. I am sure that there are plenty of people who would be very happy in my life... and it's not so much that I'm *unhappy*... I don't know. I wish it all felt like a honeymoon. And, yes, I realize how unrealistic those expectations are.

I'm not content to just know that I'm loved (or that I love him for that matter). I want to feel it in my every breath. I want a more active state of love than is often present for me. I want to feel attractive and cherished and lusted and cared for. And I want those things to operate in both directions, but I'm not feeling much passion lately.

Maybe I just need my batteries changed...