January 23, 2002~~4:08 p.m.
The flow of my thoughts...

o.mi.god. I met the anti-Adonis today; he's one of my new dads. Really, it wasn't just a physical thing. It was the entire way that he carried himself, spoke, obsessed. It just wasn't attractive. And I'm struck by the fact that I will be spending an equal amount of time with these two men over the next twenty weeks and that for entirely different reasons those hours are bound to be utter agony.

Agony. The Adonis comes tomorrow and I'm already all wound up about it. What will I say? Will I sound proficient and professional or will I babble incoherently like a fool? I'm thinking that I'll probably be okay as long as I don't look into his eyes. A girl could get lost in there quite easily. I'm going to try to focus on his chin. With any luck, because I can't say that I noticed last week, his chin won't be anything special thus making it a safe focal-point.

Focal point. Reminds me of Lamaze. What a freakin' joke that turned out to be. Yea... focus on something other than the fact that it feels like my insides are literally being ripped out through my crotch. Uh huh. After twenty plus hours of "focal point" crap I decided to go with the drugs.

Drugs. A teacher at school yesterday made a comment to me about how nice it must be to not work with students who are dealing with drug problems or hoping they aren't pregnant or other such teen difficulties. It is nice. But the way she said it was more like, "Your job is easier than mine. I work harder than you." Y'know what? It's all about choices and if she wants my *easy* job (well, not MY job), have at it. Most secondary teachers have no clue what to do with elementary students and even less desire to attempt to figure it out. ...Or maybe I just take things too personally.

Personally. I'm a little torn about exactly what I want in life. I'd like to always be able to say "no regrets". But I get a little caught up in precisely what that means. Does it mean that I should live for now, leaving no desire unquenched, and thus not have regrets about the things I failed to do? Or that I should live for tomorrow, making choices that cannot allow me to regret doing things that I should not have done?

Done. Yep. That's just about enough for now.

~Alice