September 03, 2003~~8:24 p.m.
(Not So) Supermom

I never really saw myself as the Supermom type, juggling home and career, and yet, somehow that is exactly where I seem to be.

The problem is the same one I've always had; I don't say "no".

And so this year because we have a new principal (who I want to like me) and because there was a waiting list (and I can't stand for children who would benefit from the educational opportunities available at my school to be left elsewhere when they are not thriving), I accepted an increased contract.

In some ways it has been a marvelous thing. I have the most incredible group of students this year. I'm working with wonderful families, getting to know people I wouldn't have known otherwise. And my life is enriched by sharing time with them.

But I feel like I'm drowning.

I've barely seen my family in the last two weeks. My kids are in bed by the time I get home at night and I'm completely out of touch with what is going on in their lives. Last night I went to an exercise class for the first time since school started and I ran into Shoe's teacher at the health club. She was going on and on about some of the marvelous things he's been doing at school.... things I didn't even know about.

This is not who I wanted to be.

I remember *me*. I was the mom who volunteered in the classroom. Who drove kids to school in the rain. Who helped with homework. Attended assemblies. Did PTA committees. Helped with the school play. Drove to all the sports practices. I did everything for and with and because of my family.

And then I started to feel like something was missing. That there was more to *me*. And I went back to grad school and started teaching.

I love that part of *me*, too. But I'm starting to feel like the old *me* is being crowded out by the new *me*. And I don't like it.

I don't feel like I'm the kind of mom I used to be. The kind of mom I always wanted to be. The kind of mom I didn't have because my mom always had to work.

And now that's what my kids are finding in me. I'm never home. I never have time. I'm always off doing things for other people. And the worst part of that, for them, seems to be that those "other people" are kids.

I love them and a day never goes by that I don't tell them so. But I know that actions speak louder than words and I'm wondering if that's what I'm showing them.

I'm trying to get better about drawing lines. There is no fixing the contract issue for this year (and it's only the second week, things are bound to get smoother), but at this point I'm thinking I don't want to be working as much next year as I've committed to work this year.

I know there's a balance; I just need to figure out how to make it work for everyone... Or maybe that's the root of the entire problem. I always think I can make things work out so that everyone is happy.

~Alice