November 15, 2002~~10:11 a.m.
One of the ones where I'm totally down on the concept of marriage...

So today finds me wishing I could go back in time and take back anything nice that I said or thought about my idiot husband yesterday when I was obviously still orgasmically delusional. I suppose if I were less cynical I'd just want to go back to the point last night when the communication broke down and fix that instead and still be all mushy over him, but I know *us* all too well and that wasn't going to last anyway.

I would think myself a terrible pessimist, but it's not that. I'm a realist when I'm not under the influence of a controlled substance, in this case, the orgasm.

Husband has actually never been much of a sex-two-days-in-a-row guy. Vacations are like that, always, but I think if I looked at it very carefully I would see that it's that way because (1)I instigate it and (2)it's just "the way we do things", habitual.

I used to have this theory that he actually treats me worse the day after we have sex than any other time because he knows that he doesn't need me to be in a receptive mood. I called it Doody Day. He called it bunk, but I'd put money on it.

Yesterday wasn't exactly like that because the love was flying around during the daylight hours. It wasn't until the sun went down that my lover turned back into my husband.

Sometimes, more than anything, I want to figure out how to make this marriage exactly what we both want and need. More often I have the "fuck it" attitude I have today that makes me wonder why I'd ever want to throw more *me* into the flames.

I just don't understand how I could possibly have gotten here without knowing how sucky marriage feels sometimes. All my life I was surrounded by married people. Were they not as unhappy as I feel sometimes? Because if they were, shouldn't they have made sure that those of us who weren't already in shackles found a way to live free?

~Alice