April 11, 2007~~7:29 p.m.
Feeling like a whiner...

I'm having a hard time turning *vacation* me back into *content-with-everyday-life* me.

My time away was blissful in a way that the daily grind never can be (at least for those of us who aren't June Cleaver). I need to settle back into the comfort of family, let go of the convenience and carefree days of solitude.

I guess it's just difficult to do right now given how full my plate is. I'm dreading going back to school next week; there's just so much to do. On top of the usual teaching responsibilities, we're getting ready to do a 24 hour living history at the beginning of May. It's a LOT of work to coordinate and, frankly, I'm just not as into it as I was when we did it three years ago.

I've been thinking a lot about my job... about my growing ambivalence. I think it's probably time for me to start thinking about going back to school again. I hate thinking about leaving my cool, little alternative school, but maybe there are other things out there for me still. I don't know... obviously, I'll still have to work while I'm doing any furthering of my education and I'm just not sure where I could find the hours in the day for that. I'm probably stuck at least until my kids graduate. ('Cuz I'm sure that when they're both in college will be a great time, in terms of financial solvency, for me to go back for another degree.)

Y'know what the thing is? I just don't do *satisfied*. As soon as something is what others might call "comfortable" or "routine", I start to find it boring and begin to lose interest. I thought my career would be different. And I do love the part where I'm actually teaching, it's just that I don't feel the excitement I did a few years ago.

What is wrong with me? Am I just programed to sabbotage everything invest myself in? Why can't I just be satisfied with being *satisfied*?

~Alice