2001-07-09~~3:09 p.m.
Funk.

(Second entry today. And, again, I’m sorry that it isn’t about my vacation. I really do intend to get to it. There are several somewhat exciting stories to share. I’m just in such a funk today.)

Today I think I lost a friend I’m not sure I ever really had. Does that make any sense at all?

There was a person. I thought we were friends. We hung out together. We shared our thoughts, our aspirations, our fears. We talked about our marriages and our children. Our parents. Our jobs. There was much smiling and nodding. But sometimes the nodding accompanied tears.

So now, suddenly, I don’t fit into this person’s life anymore. And I’m left thinking that if I can be dismissed in that way then we must never have really been friends to begin with. Yet I’m sad. And I’m mourning the loss of the friendship that I maybe never had because, in my mind at least, it was a good friendship.

And I feel stupid. Stupid because I cherished something that never was.

And on top of all that, I have no job. No one wants to give me a chance. They all say very nice things. They tell me that my interview scores are high and that my letters of recommendation are glowing. But does any of that matter if I don’t have a job?

I hate being in such a funk.

Two days ago, I was in paradise. Reality sucks. I want my fake life back.