2001-08-28~~4:46 p.m.
Exhausted...

Exhausted. Of all the words my fried little brain can come up with, it is the one that comes closest to even beginning to touch upon how completely drained I feel right now. Drained, yet exhilarated. Excited and anxious to begin each new day, yet desperately longing for a few more hours between the end of one day and the start of the next.

My 40% FTE (full time equivalent) position means that the district is paying me for 40% of a full contract... 14 hours a week. It's all a big joke of course. Everyone knows that teachers work far longer hours than those they are paid for. Monday I worked from 8:00 to 6:30. Today only 8:15 to 4:00. It's not difficult to see that I'm going to be donating quite a few hours of unpaid time to the district this week.

I don't mind. I'm happy to put in the time and energy it takes to do the job right. I just wish I wasn't so incredibly tired at the end of the day. I never stop working because I run out of enthusiasm. I stop when I run out of steam.

I've been neglecting my diary. A couple of reasons... (1)I'm insanely busy and simply have no brain power left at the end of my days. (2) When I have had the energy, I've worried that just blathering on and on about my job wouldn't be entertaining.

The bottom line is that I don't write this to be entertaining. I write it for me. I need to write it. I need to document what I am feeling now because I know that I will want to look back at this time. The weekend will be a good time for me to pull together all of my responsibilities and re-prioritize. The diary will have to fit in. It is important to me.

My kids have been so great. I've taken a huge chunk of time away from my family, but they aren't complaining. They are excited for me. They want to hear about my day. About my students. About my plans. They know how happy teaching makes me and they like seeing me happy. I love my kids. They are fantastic kids.

I, on the other hand, am struggling with this whole letting go thing. I'm especially clingy with Shoe right now because of the recent asthma scare. I worry about him during the school day. Hoping that he'll remember not to run around too much. Trusting him to remember to go to the office to use his inhaler BEFORE the situation becomes an emergency. Having faith that his teacher will be my eyes and ears when I can't be there. It's hard. It's really hard. I was never the mom who cried when she left her kids on the first day of kindergarten, but I think I can understand how those women felt a little bit better now.

I have work to do. Too much work to do before morning. Maybe I can write more later, but I need to just post this and get back "on-task".

~Alice