April 30, 2002~~8:39 p.m.
Change...

I've never been especially fond of change. I like same. Same is known. safe. comfortable. It fits. Obviously same is good because if it was not, then I already would have changed it. So when unplanned change begins to occur, I dig in. Hold on. Close my eyes tightly and hope with all my might that it will be like the twister that comes close enough to send you running to the basement, but twirls off without leaving a splintered mess in its wake.

Falling out of touch with friends is change of the worst variety. Sometimes it happens slowly. Over time. Less calls. Less frequent visits. A step-by-step reduction of your roles in each other's lives. Sometimes it happens rapidly. A conflict. A move. A parting of the minds. It's almost easier to deal with when it happens like that. Swiftly and absolutely. At least you know where you stand.

It's the friendships that fade away that make the least sense and thus cause the greatest pain. The ones where every time you talk the conversation is tinted with tones of "I miss you", but the missing never amounts to an increase in communication. And when the missing starts to fade the sadness is over not only the lost friendship, but also the lost missing. The state of "I miss missing you."

I realize that not every friendship can or will last forever. There are new people to meet. New friendships to develop. Busy lives. And a finite amount of time for all of this. But that doesn't negate the empty feeling when the hole is new.

Some losses are beyond recoverable. There are empty places in me that will never be filled. Like a shape sorter, there are places in my heart that could only be unlocked with very specific keys. As those people disappeared from my life, those chambers were locked. They sit vacant like so many unrented rooms that the landlord can't even show because the doors cannot be opened.

So always for me, along with the excitement of new friends, is the reminder in the back of my mind that nothing gold can stay.

~Alice