March 25, 2003~~7:38 p.m.
Perspective and maturity...

It's amazing how different the same life can feel from day to day. I'm certain it has to do with perspective, yet uncertain how when I know it can feel this good I can't change back to this perspective when it's feeling worse.

I have so much more than my mom ever had. I understand why she loved my husband so much and why she trusted him to take care of me. I understand why she was devestated when we separated and tried, in her very best supportive-mom way, to help me see that I could get over the little flaws if I could see the big picture again. And today, I wish she was here to see how I've grown into this life.

I married a wonderful man. And now, from my happy place, I can say that even though he doesn't understand me entirely, he sure does put up with an awful lot of shit for what he gets in return at times. He loves me. He loves me even when I'm sick and disgusting. He loves me enough to make sacrifices without a thought and to be there for me when I really need him. He loves me in spite of the flaws reflected back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I think he loves me in a way I can't begin to understand.

I wish I had the maturity to see him like this when the hate slips in. When the passionate side of me reacts to this or that stupid thing he does and the slippery slope begins. I want always to love and cherish him the way I do right now.

But I know I won't because we've been together too long to believe in fairy tales anymore. Sometimes my prince is a warty old frog who you couldn't pay me all the money in Bill Gates' slush fund to kiss.

And the thing I really will never understand about him.... when I'm like that... he still loves me.

I just don't think I'll ever be that grown-up.

~Alice