2001-05-15~~8:45 a.m.
She wrote a note to a boy...

My daughter (age 9½) wrote her first note, that I am aware of, to a boy. I saw her at the table writing it and asked what she was doing. Smiling, she told me that she was writing a letter to this particular boy. I don’t know why I didn’t ask more questions. She is a pretty honest kid... doesn’t keep secrets very well... she probably would have told me everything. Instead, I was a bad, bad mommy.

I didn’t do it on purpose. Well, not exactly on purpose. In fact, I’d forgotten all about the letter until I was passing by her backpack on my way up to bed. The backpack was open. I could see a piece of notebook paper inside... folded in thirds. I didn’t stop to think. I took it out. I read it.

Now I feel terrible.

Sort of.

Actually, I’m a little torn because it’s my job to keep her safe. To do that well I need to know what is going on in her life. To know what is going on in her life, I needed to read that note.

Y’see, I’m walking a very fine line. I really want to respect her privacy. I don’t want to do the things my mom did that I despised her for at the time. I want to know that I raised her right and that she’ll use those fine values I’ve instilled in her to make good decisions. But how am I supposed to be SURE that is the case?

Maybe I should go back a step or two farther because I’m pretty sure that I can justify at least this particular instance of snoopage. One weekend afternoon not too long ago, we decided to take the kids to the park. The kids were playing and we were on a bench talking when two boys arrived at the play structure.

I could tell that my kids knew these boys, presumably from school. There was a bit of interaction with them and then my kids went off to continue whatever it was that they had been playing before these boys arrived.

A while later, I heard the boys talking about my daughter by name. Actually, I could only hear one of them, which made for pretty frustrating eavesdropping.

Boy 1: Do you like [name]?

Boy 2: [inaudible]

Boy 1: Come on! Do you like her?

Boy 2: [inaudible]

Boy 1: Do you want me to tell her? Do you want me to find out if she likes you?

Boy 2: [inaudible]

Boy 1: I know you think she’s cute. I’ll go talk to her for you...

At that point, I suggested to my husband that perhaps our children would like him to play with them on the tire swing. HA! There would be no corrupting my sweet little daughter that day. Not with mommy on guard.

Now, while this boy from her class MIGHT be a very nice boy from a very nice family, he does not get the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know much about him except that he is the class clown and he is not in the top reading or math group. Those things alone do not make him bad. I’m not THAT judgmental. But every time I’ve seen him, he’s been pretty grungy. And, after all, this is MY daughter, my baby girl, we are talking about.

I recognized the problem with my plan to protect her before we even got home from the park. Mommy cannot always be on guard. Well, crap. That does throw a kink in things.

I’m just not ready for this yet. At least not with this boy. Maybe if she picked a good boy to use for the transition. We can’t be expected to go from “no boys” to “bad boys” in just one step. It’s not fair.

There is a very nice boy she talks with on the phone. They get on the phone and do their homework together. It is very sweet. He is just a friend. I think she used to like him but her best friend liked him too. She stepped aside to let her friend have him. I guess I should be happy that she’s already smart enough to know to put “friendship” ahead of “boys”. If she can carry that with her it will make her teen years easier. Boys come and go, but friends are forever.

She’s growing up. It’s hard to accept. My job with her is changing... but I don’t get the details... I have to figure them out for myself.

I want her to grow up happy... and well adjusted... and not hating me...

I don’t want to be a snoopy mom.... but it’s going to be hard.

-Alice