2001-05-11~~9:22 a.m.
All I want is to feel loved...

I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have male friends. They make me think too highly of myself which only sets me up for later disappointment.

Evan has been a great friend. He’s divorced.... looking for his soul mate. He’s a great conversationalist... and a poet..... who speaks French. If we’d met in another lifetime, things between us might be different. But I’m married, so we’re just really good friends. We talk about everything. It is a no-holds barred relationship. We’ve had some very intimate discussions about who we are, where we’re going, what we’ve got, and what we’re still searching for. Anyway, he tells me constantly how lucky T is to have me. It’s a great ego boost, which everyone needs, but like I said, I think it sets me up to be let down later.

I was so proud of T last night. When he got home from the game he told me that he didn’t shake the asshole coach’s hand. If you knew T, you’d be proud too. He doesn’t stand up for himself much. He worked for the same idiot who treated him like crap for seven years. He’s just not the type to stir the pot. But he was really happy with his decision. He went on about how it was the type of protest that was invisible to the girls, invisible to the parents, but that his point was made. I could tell it felt good. And while I was tempted to use this “teachable moment”, I held my tongue.

He sat with me at my end of the couch while we watched our Thursday night TV. I took the opportunity to kiss him during the commercials. I was in a playful, I-want-to-be-near-you mood. He’d taken a shower when he got home from the game and smelled good. I told him so.

It was still hot when we went up to bed. Summer has come to the valley. I couldn’t find anything cool enough to wear, so I wore nothing. He’d put all the pillows in a pile when he sat on the bed to finish the last of the ER and while he was up brushing his teeth, I stole that spot. When he came to bed he complained about not having a pillow, then kind of shared the stack with me.

I put my head on his chest and ran my hands down his body. My interest was more than obvious. He closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before I could tell he was falling asleep. I sat up saying, “Well, since it would be impossible for you to pay me any less attention, here are your pillows. I’ll stay on my own 5/10ths of the bed.” The 5/10ths thing is an old inside joke. All is said was, “Ok.”

I scooched over about as far as I could in an effort to make it obvious to this sleeping man that he’d irritated me. I’m sure he hardly noticed, if at all.

He did, then, come to my side to be cuddly while he slept. The sound of him sleeping was getting on my nerves. I didn’t feel cuddled. I felt crowded. I felt neglected. I felt like getting up but I knew that would wake him and I knew that then I’d end up pushing a conversation that would never make things better, only worse. I lay silently, flipping channels, on the last tenth of the bed before I’d be falling on the floor.

Today I’m still a little grumpy about it. It’s difficult because I’m really in the mood for closeness. I keep thinking about how I felt about him at our friends’ wedding. How I felt about him when we were first together and his eyes were always smiling at me. I desperately want to feel that way again. It isn’t so far in the past anymore. I had it just two weeks ago. It’s within my reach to feel it again. My heart is screaming for me to grab the golden ring. All you have to do, it shouts, is reach a little farther.

But there is this bitchy voice coming from somewhere else. She reminds me how rejected I felt. She reminds me that I have the power to pay him back for how I felt last night. She whispers in my ear... He didn’t notice how you smiled at him.... He doesn’t care... He takes you for granted. Gosh. She is so evil. She tells me that she is the one who has been there with me in those darkest hours when he was not. She is the one who has soaked up my tears and helped me build the dam to protect against future floods.

I hate being conflicted. I hate that evil is so powerful. I hate the way it courses through my veins when I am hurt or angry.

All I really want is to feel loved.

-Alice

edited to add:
The following just arrived in my e mail....

"Good morning, Just a reminder that I love you."

And now I'm smiling... so I sent the following reply.

"[smiling] Mmmm... I love you, too."

Edited again to add:
This is what I got back...

"I also wanted to remind you that we are meeting with the Edward Jones lady at 5:00. Her name is (name)."

AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I married an idiot.